I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
the raccoons are back...
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