Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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