I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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