sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
