I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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