I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
they're like a gay fantastic four
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
