The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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