At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
