I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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