my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Randomize
