i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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