don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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