I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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