i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
