she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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