this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize