Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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