He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
