Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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