I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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