you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
