As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
