am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
