i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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