Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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