Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
