Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
