Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
