Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just found puke in my bra..
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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