You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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