At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
