After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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