If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
