The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
