So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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