I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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