If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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