I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
