My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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