i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
