Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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