Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He passed out mid-signature
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
