I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
