New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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