His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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