Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
