tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
