fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
