Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's blow job season.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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