i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
