I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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