life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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