The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
