i think my tv is drunk
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
