I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
