i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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