shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
