She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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