The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
