I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
