Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
