i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
